


in the darkness (of the bus bathroom)

by classichysteria



Category: All Time Low (Band)
Genre: 2012, Angst, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Breakdown, Tour Bus, Touring, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, alex just loves his friends, cassadee and jack are mentioned like twice, rian is having a shit time, zack has like one line of dialogue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-12 08:55:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28757685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/classichysteria/pseuds/classichysteria
Summary: he didn’t expect it and god knows he didn’t want it.tw for blood mentions.for rian, the dawson to my gaskarth.
Relationships: Rian Dawson/Alex Gaskarth, Rian Dawson/Cassadee Pope
Kudos: 2





	in the darkness (of the bus bathroom)

**Author's Note:**

> i write fics when im sad. i was thinking about my friendship with rye today too so here’s my rilex fluff fic that i wrote for no reason. meaningless rilex rambles are something i seem to be good at and there’s not enough trans fics in the world okay.
> 
> none of this is   
> factual in the slightest, this is not a theory or a claim. simply fiction written with recognised characters. this is not meant to offend.
> 
> set in 2012/13 when don’t panic was released and touring.

He pushed a hand through his hair, nausea overtaking him as he collapsed on the leather bus sofa. He sighed heavily and closed his eyes, the bus door opening in the distance.  
“Ri?” A voice called, the slight Essex sound paired with a medium pitch and a slight rasp giving away that it was Alex who’d entered.  
Rian didn’t make a sound, body too exhausted and sore to even make a noise of recognition.  
“Rian?” Alex called, silence surprising him. Even Rian was loud. He was known to blast obscure 90s ska music and skip every other song on his iPod in the process but alas, Alex found him in sat silence.  
Rian didn’t have the energy to think about anything other than pain and and the cause of said pain.  
“You alright, love?” Alex asked, Rian managed to squeeze out a smile at Alex’s stereotypical British remark.  
He frowned slightly and Alex took that as a reply, walking over and sitting next to his friend, resting his head on his shoulder.  
Rian smiled again slightly at the feeling of the older boy’s messy hair tickling his neck, “just sick I guess.”  
He looked up at the younger, “I love you.”  
“Love you too.” The younger replied, forever grateful for his best friend’s support. Even if he didn’t support all of him, even if he didn’t know all of him.

Jack was what tore Alex from Rian, he was fine with that though. Maybe being alone in this situation was best. He would’ve enjoyed some sort of help though as roughly a quarter of the bathroom floor was coated in blood. That sounds a lot more sinister than the actual events that had caused it.  
Tears streamed down his face- a rare sight, even in his opinion. He was stood with his shorts and boxers fallen around his ankles, stumbling around the small box room attempting to clean whatever mess he could with a piece of disgusting toilet roll. He was at his breaking point and if anyone dared step foot on this bus he was ninety-nine percent sure he may just defenestrate them. Rian Dawson was not an angry person, that was, until he was cleaning his own, unwanted blood off the bus floor for no other reason than he had a random hormone imbalance.  
He sat on the floor amidst the mess, knees hugged tightly to his chest as he buried his head, just wishing to feel okay.  
“Rian?”  
“Fucksake, Al.” He mumbled angrily.  
“Rian?” Alex said slightly louder.  
“I’m in the fucking bathroom, moron.” He snapped. Instantly feeling bad.  
Alex knocked, “you okay?”  
“Yes.” He replied harshly, Alex pushing the door open a crack and immediately shutting it again upon seeing the other side.  
Rian scrambled, flushing countless pieces of toilet roll, covering his hands in dark crimson in the process. He pulled his stained boxers back on without a care. Future Rian can sort that out. He quickly got his shorts on after, cringing at the small blood stan he saw. Ignoring the few blood marks remaining on the floor, he opened the bathroom door.  
“Al?” He said, looking around. Quickly a neapolitan haired man came walking swiftly towards him.  
“Ri, are you okay man?” He asked, hugging him tightly, Rian slightly stiff in his arms.  
“Yeah. Yeah. Sure.” The smaller boy nodded, flushed and evidence of tears still dry on his face.  
Alex raised an eyebrow, “tell me when you’re ready.” He pressed a kiss to his cheek and skipped off to find Jack, probably.

Rian stood still. Face in his hand. “Fuck.” He cursed under his breath.

The rest of the band and crew poured in soon after as Rian buried himself in self pity in his bunk.  
Maybe there’d be a gas station somewhere he hoped.

Luck was on his side this once, they stopped at a service station and Rian was first off the bus to get in there. Black zip up hoodie now hung on his shoulders and hood over his head, hands in his pockets. The walk into the station felt like a walk of shame and the walk to the “feminine hygiene” aisle was only worse. He grabbed a random cheap pack of sanitary pads and made his way to the drinks fridge.

“Hey Ri, Cass coming?” Alex asked, Rian jumped slightly, not expecting anyone to talk to him.  
“Hmm?” He hummed, continuing to look at the energy drinks.  
“Is Cassadee coming?”   
“What? No, she’s busy?”  
“What’s with the girl’s shit then?” Alex asked, confused gesturing to the pink packaged sanitary pads residing his obviously male best friend’s hand.  
Rian looked up at Alex, colour draining from his face and panic painting it. They made harsh eye contact and Rian began stuttering.  
He genuinely had no idea what to say.  
It’s not like how the media presents it.  
Words can’t do you justice.  
And you’ll always be the only one who understands.  
He ignored him, grabbed a random can and made a beeline for the counter, leaving Alex more confused than before.

“Is Rian acting weird to you?” Alex asked, Zack midway through an exercise in the service station parking lot.  
“No? Why? He just told me this morning he was feeling nauseous?” He answered, setting his weight on the ground.  
“Hmm. He’s just being real fuckin’ weird, man. I’m worried.”  
“I’m sure it’s nothing. He’s probably just sick. Give him time.” Zack smiled. Alex shrugged his shoulders yet his anxieties hadn’t been calmed in the slightest.

Rian was asleep on the table in the bus kitchen, well, not on the actual table. He had his arms crossed, cushioning his head on the table, black hood over his head.  
Alex sat down beside him, they were the only ones up here, away from the FIFA war going on in the back lounge. Rian turned his head to face Alex with the dip in the sofa. His eyes opened.  
“Ri?” Alex said softly.  
“Yeah.” Rian replied, voice laced with thick exhaustion.  
“Can you tell me why you’re so.... upset? Jack’s the one with depression, not you.” He added that last part in an attempt to conjure up some humour and joy in the other boy.  
“Period.” Rian answered bluntly, brain too foggy to think and having no idea what else to say.  
“What?”   
“I’m bleeding.” He put his head back down to face the table, cringing.  
“....but you’re a dude. You have a dick.” It wasn’t clicking with the older boy, it was 2012. Transgender people weren’t represented by those who passed as their non biological sex.  
“That’s where you’re wrong, Gaskarth.” Rian could perfectly imagine Alex’s face of sheer shock and confusion.   
Rian spoke again after the lack of a reply, “I’m a transsexual and I need sleep.”  
“Oh?” Was all Rian got back as he felt the sofa rise and socked feet pad away.

The pain didn’t leave with sleep and Rian was sure his body was trying to commit nonconsensual suicide. He stared at the bunk celling. The need to leave was small and the desire to leave was non existent. In his bunk there was no Alex, there was no Alex with questions. In the outside world, there was no Rian with answers. Not that in bunk world Rian had answers either. Well, technically he did but he couldn’t string them together to any level of coherency. 

Rian cringed as light poured into his bunk.  
“Ri?” Alex said.  
Rian sighed and opened his eyes, “Alex.”  
“Are you naked?” He asked, looking down at the tired boy who’s torso and bare legs were exposed from duvet.  
“No, you creep. I’m wearing boxers, are you just here to body shame me? Or why are you here?”  
“I’m just wondering if you’re still sick, dude.”  
“Yes now fuck off, Gaskarth.”  
Alex bit his lip, “was it you that stained the bathroom floor?”  
“What?” Rian replied, too fed up to even think.  
“There was blood on the bathroom floor, you bought those period things. You said that was why you felt like shit last night. Was it you that stained the floor?” Rian could sense Alex’s nerves in his explanation.  
“Yeah. Yeah it was.” He had woken up slightly with the words Alex spoke, “please don’t tell the other guys. It shouldn’t have happened.” He sat up, grabbing a pair of sweatpants that had been buried in his bunk days ago so he was slightly less naked as he sat next to his friend.  
“Does that happen every month?” Alex asked in an attempt to understand.  
“No, hasn’t happened since like- 2008? Not long after So Wrong, It’s Right.” Rian sighed, “I used to be prepared. I learned how to hide it and control it but it stops after you’ve been on hormones for about a year usually and it did. It fucking did. But I woke up yesterday groggy and horrible, went to the bathroom and someone had committed murder in my fucking underwear. I felt so gross. It was like you waking up with a fucking cunt- I didn’t know what to do.”  
Alex rested his head on his shoulder and took his hand, beginning to rub it comfortingly. “So you were born a girl?” He knew it was a stupid question, stupid thing to say. Rian just laughed.  
“Yeah, unfortunately. The only evidence is-“ he gestured to his crotch”-that, and the fact I inject my thigh every couple of weeks but that’s it. It’s stupid. I didn’t want to tell you. It doesn’t matter.” It honestly felt good telling someone but he still didn’t like vocalising the fact there was a time in the past where he looked more like his girlfriend than himself.  
“Ri, if it makes you feel like shit, I don’t care what it is. I want to know.” Alex smiled at him and for the first time in over twenty-four ours, Rian looked him in the eyes and smiled back. “I love you Rian. If you’re upset my day is ruined. No one upsets my Ri-boy.”  
“I love you, Al. I really do. You’re like the best best friend I could’ve asked for. If I was gay I’d totally dick you down, dude.” Rian laughed.  
“Me the fuck too.” Alex laughed, “gay Alex and Rian were just too powerful for this world.”


End file.
